Do I Dazzle You?
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Lucario and Gardevoir, a love story. Based on the greatest love story ever told: Twilight.
1. Twilight

Do I Dazzle You? by Dickfart

Gardevoir was a new student in the Forks region of Washington. All the other Pokemon gawked at her for being new, even the ones descended from Hoenn like she was. She left Hoenn because she was tired of horny Pokemon trainers trying to look up her flesh skirt. She was still a virgin, holding out for the right man.

She had lunch with her friends Braixen, Banette, and Roselia, until a group of the most stunningly beautiful Pokemon walked into the room and had lunch all on their own.

"Who are they?" Gardevoir asked Braixen, the gossip queen.

"They're the Cullen group. Lopunny, Jynx, and Gothitelle are the girls. The boys are Hypno, Bisharp, Mienshao, and Lucario. They all keep to themselves."

"Oh, OK," said Gardevoir, finishing her soup.

She went to Chemistry class after and sat next to Lucario. He scrunched up his nose like she'd just farted, or something, which is silly since the only Pokemon that ever fart are Koffing and Weezing, two literal balls of anuses. Anii? Whatever, but the point was that Gardevoir most certainly did NOT fart, and she was very offended by the look of disgust on Lucario Cullen's face.

The next day in chemistry, Lucario was absent.

The day after that, a wild Muk named Tyler almost barreled into Gardevoir, which would have impregnated her on the spot! However, right before Tyler could do the deed, Lucario appeared and used Close Combat. Muk fainted.

"You fool!" said Lucario, and he dashed off into the shadows all bishounen-like. Gardevoir had a massive lady boner ever since, though she didn't want to admit it.

Later in Chemistry class Gardevoir was like "hey, you like Jane Austen?"

"Shut your whore mouth," said Lucario. Gardevoir almost came right then and there.

Later that day Gardevoir, Braixen, and Banette all went to the mall to get manipedis, pokepuffs, ass tattoos, and yaoi manga. They got separated when Braixen and Banette wanted to do some stupid preppy shit, Gardevoir didn't care. She went outside to smoke a bowl when a fucking Wobuffet and Swalot decided to interrupt her.

"WOB-UFF-ET!" said Wobuffet.

"What my friend means to say, see, is that we plan on planting our sperms into ya eggs, see, so you can lay us da eggs, see? I can swallow ten tons of cum, see. Let me show you my technique, see?"

Swalot barely got his mouth open before Lucario showed up on a motorcycle and did some Kamehameha shit right down Swalot's throat. Swalot fucking died.

"WOB-UFF-ET," said Wobuffet. Lucario tried to punch him, but he used counter, so Lucario punched himself instead.

"The answer is no," said Gardevoir, and Wobuffet, unlike any other pepe the frog fuckboy, took the fucking hint and left without Lucario's flagrant white knighting. Gardevoir proceeded to smoke her bowl.

"Mormons don't smoke weed, you cunt," said Lucario.

"Go fuck yourself," said Gardevoir, but secretly she liked this lame asshole.

"Get on my bike, babe. Let me show you the town."

"K."

Gardevoir stashed her stash within the folds of her flesh dress and hit up the night with her new main squeeze. They were in love.

Until some fuck Buizel named Lycanroc showed up to fuck everything up. These teen romances always gotta have a fucking love triangle.

"High, I'm Lycanroc," said Lycanroc. "But you can call me Jacob."

"No thanks, Lycanroc," said Gardevoir. "I'm already in love."

"With some shitty Lucario? The worst Pokemon? Come on. You have to admit, at least I'm original."

"You're from Gen 7," said Gardevoir. "You haven't been around long enough to be overdone."

"Tru, but come on. Lucario fucking sucks. Why not ride my furry cock instead?"

"No, but I will jump off a cliff and smoke a fat bowl with you at some point," said Gardevoir.

"Well," said Lycanroc. "OK. I guess that's as good as I'm gonna get. You are Gardevoir, after all."

"Damn skippy," said Gardevoir.

Blah blah blah, five hundred pages of chagrin and topaz eyes happens, until Gardevoir gets SUCKER PUNCHED into a FUCKING MIRROR by FUCKING ZOROARK.

"I'M GOING TO DEVOUR YOU PUSSY FIRST," said Zoroark, until Lucario used Mega Punch on him. He died on the spot. Hurrah.

"My hero!" said Gardevoir, and then she and Lucario made out fiercely.

End Book 1

R U TEAM LUCARIO OR TEAM LYCANROC LET ME NO IN TEH REVOOS TWILIT 4EVA FUCK HORNY POTTER


	2. New Moon, Part 1

Do I Dazzle You? by Dickfart

Gardevoir go home after make out with Lucario. Her dad Brendan sit in chair while twiddling his thumbs. He missed the hot dirt flesh of Hoenn's beautiful surface, but he was doomed never to return. Why, you might ask? Who fucking cares? This is teen romance! Dad's back story never fucking matters. He's just there to be mean and tell Gardevoir she's grounded. Tell her she can't go on dates. Her body is hers, damn it!

"Gardevoir, sweetie," says Brendan. "We need to talk about your Jane Austen obsession..."

"I HATE YOU, CHARLIE. STAY OUT OF MY LIFE AND NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!" said Gardevoir, bolting up to her room and slamming the door behind her.

"My name is Brendan..." said Brendan, and then he spiraled deep into a depressive, nihilistic spiral of doom that we all hit in our mid-late twenties, never to return.

Meanwhile, Gardevoir sobbed herself to sleep. The next morning she went to school groggy and unhappy, until Lucario and his beautiful doggy muzzle showered her in Eskimo kisses.

"Oh Lucario," said Gardevoir. "You're the only thing in my stupid life that matters."

"I know, baby. Man, watching you cry yourself to sleep last night was so hot. Sure beats humping tables and biting the mailman's leg."

"Wait, what?" said Gardevoir. "You hump tables?"

"Bitch, I got urges. But us mormons don't do premarital sex, ya dig? Speaking of mormons, my family wants you over for dinner tonight."

"Really?" Gardevoir squeaked with excitement. Her entire day was full of giddy happy squishy feelings. Tyler the Muk shitting Valentines into her locker on a daily basis couldn't even deter her. She was about to have the greatest night of her life.

"Dad, I'm going to my future husband's house for dinner and you can't stop me," said Gardevoir. Brendan, drowning in the void, didn't so much as grunt about it. For all Gardevoir knew, or cared he could have died of a heart attack. Miserable old fart. Who turns twenty-eight anyway?

She reached the Cullen house dressed in her best, that is, her usual flesh skirt that came attached. Lucario's adoptive mom, Kangaskhan, bent over and gave her a rough kiss. The father, Snorlax, was sleeping in the middle of the room.

"He'll wake up when there's food," said Kangaskhan. "Now let me introduce you to my children. Here's Gothitelle..."

"Don't ever fucking talk to me," said Gothitelle. Well then.

"And Lopunny..."

"I'm like so totally hype to finally meet you, baby sister. Oh em gee," said Lopunny, showering Gardevoir with bunny kisses.

"And Jynx..."

"I like boobies," said Jynx, rubbing her hands over her pokeboobs. Gardevoir had this unpleasant red cartilage thing jutting out of her chest rather than a pair of boobs (get shit on, fapping fuckbillies!) but that suited her newly found mormon faith just fine. Like Lucario said, premarital sex was a no-no anyway.

"And Bisharp..."

"Grrrrrrl, you have got to let me braid your hair sometime," said Bisharp, and he sauntered up to her, very interested in her hair, which wasn't actually hair, but whatever. Moving on.

"And Mienshao..."

"Yo," said Mienshao, and went back to playing Kingdom Hearts on his Playstation 2.

"And Hypno..."

"So I heard from Lucario that you sleep at night," said Hypno, drooling. "Well I eat dreams. And babies."

"Shut the fuck up, ass wagon!" said Lucario. "You scaring my Gee Eff."

"No he isn't," said Gardevoir. She was perfectly capable of dealing with fuckboys. She'd cast Future Sight on Hypno already. Once the attack hit, it'd be all too easy to blame the dog, or the wind.

"And, let's see..." Kangaskhan counted on all her fingers. "Oh, I guess that's all of them."

"What about me?" said the baby in her pouch, but she just ignored it. Like Brendan, this baby also succumbed to the void when no one responded. It was also twenty-eight years old. What a fucking loser.

"LET'S EAT," said Snorlax, and a banquet of food was served by Haunters and Gengars, who liked to hang around this place for some reason. They all ate. Once satiated, Bisharp went and opened his fucking mouth.

"You know, thweety? Even though you are totes hawt and bangin', you is part of teh amorphous egg group. You can't have teh babs with Lucario, I'm afraid."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" said Lucario. "U THINK I DON'T NO DAT?"

"You are the stupidest Cullen of all," said Gothitelle, because she was a bitch.

"If you sleep now, I can eat that knowledge out of you," said Hypno, and Lucario FLIPPED THE FUCKING TABLE.

"That's IT!" said Lucario. "I need to talk to my girlfriend ALONE. Bye, nob gobblers!"

"Ell oh ell, so butthurt," said Mienshao, still playing Kingdom Hearts.

"What is it, Lucario?" Gardevoir asked, once they were outside.

"Gardevoir, it's not right for us to be together. I have to let you go," he say with a crystalline tear going down his cheek. He ran, and Gardevoir couldn't catch him. She was devastated.

"LUCAHRIUIU NUUU," she sank to her knee and crai.

"Well, that could have gone worse," said Jynx.

Then half the house blew up when Future Sight hit Hypno. Hypno fucking died. Mienshao's Kingdom Hearts file didn't, though, and at the end of the day, isn't that what truly matters?

End Book 2 Part 1

OHHHH NOOOO THEY BROKE UP WILL THERE LUV SURVIVE FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON TWILIGHT BALL Z!


	3. New Moon, Part 2

Do I Dazzle You? by Dickfart

JANUARY

FREBURY

APRIL

MARCH

SPONGEBAB

Gardevoir sat with Charlie the Brendan in their living room in Forks Unova all this time, watching reruns of NCIS and picking dirt out of their toenails until Lycanroc and his dad come over to house.

"Hi Bella," said Lycanroc. "I can call you Bella, right?"

"No," said Gardevoir.

"Very funny, Bella. I wanted to introduce you to my new dad, Hugh Janus."

"I don't care, Jacob," said Gardevoir, and she slammed the door in his face.

"She called me Jacob," said Lycanroc, and he crai so happy the tears.

"Grab me a beer, Gardevoir," said Brendan, burping and farting. In all these months he had become massively fat and smelled like fucking diarrhea cabbage.

"Sure Charlie, whatever," said Gardevoir. She got him his fucking beer, and then she got a text from her preppy friend circle consisting of Braixen, Banette, and Roselia. They all demanded that she leave the house and socialize with the rest of Pokemanity, but she just didn't feel like it. Without Lucario, and massive chunk of her heart was ripped out and stomped on. No amount of weed and Evanescence was helping.

"I just want to die," said Gardevoir.

"Did somebody say DIE?" said Mimikyu, slithering out of their basement. "Because I'll fucking make you die, bitch. And then Charlie will have to love me."

"MY FUCKING NAME IS BRENDAN!" said the wobbling pile of fat in the corner, tossing his beer can into the fire.

"Charlie, I've changed my mind," said Gardevoir, picking up Mimikyu. "I don't need a dad anymore. You're dismissed." She lifted Mimikyu's Pikasheet off of it, revealing the rancid skdjghlfkjgshdk of ksjfkjdassgdffdfg... .dfg.d..ddddraaerarae.g...g..rg.g...g.g..g, and Brendan had a massive cancer brain explosion diarrhea heart attack and his morbidly obese body burst and created a black hole in their living room. This was typical of Unovan households with Mimikyu problems. All one of them.

"Whatever. I don't need this house or this life," said Gardevoir, walking out the door with a reclothed Mimikyu on tow. Once she was about twenty feet away, Michael Bay ordered a huge fiery mushroom bomb explosion that happened in slow motion.

"Hey, I still need a human type Pokemon to love me," said Mimikyu. "Kill all Pikachu!"

"I hear there's someone named Hugh Janus adopting kids. Let's go find Jacob."

"Yay!" Mimikyu say.

So they find Jacob. Turns out Jacob's a wolf and he isn't wearing a shirt. Shocking, right?

"Lycanjacob, this is your new sister. I've named her Amy Lee, because angst," said Gardevoir, handing him Mimikyu.

"I didn't ask for a sister, Bella," said Lycanroc. "I want you to ride my furry cock. Don't you see all the furries in the audience? They're blue balled because of your shit!"

"I think you'd better do what Onii-chan says," said Amy Lee, laughing. Cackling. Evil, evil laughter.

"I guess I don't have a choice..." said Gardevoir. She was gonna butter up her pooper with tears of angst over oh what's his face, until

JOOOOOOOOHN CENA

DUN DUN DUN DUN

DUN DUN DUN DUN

DUN DUN DUN DUN

"Remember kids," said John Cena, and he handed Gardevoir a condom. "Play it safe. Keep it cool."

"Only YOU can prevent forest fires," say Smokey the Bear.

"But why would you prevent them?" say Amy Lee, lifting her Mimikyu disguise, killing everyone and everything that was interrupting Onii-chan's smex.

So Gardevoir and Lycanroc walk to cliff. Smoke a bowl. Then Gardevoir fall off cliff. Lycanroc fall after her. He was going to land his dick inside her Pokecooch, but he missed and penetrated Tyler the Muk's head instead.

"MUUUUUK!" said Tyler, feeling violated. Every inch of his Muk was penetrable by wang cocks, but the joke was on Lycanroc, because his testicles melted the instant Tyler's Muk touched his furry shaft. He only got to keep his dick because he was wearing a condom. Safe sex rules!

As Gardevoir lay on the ground with 1 HP, bleeding to death, her estranged boyfriend Lucario showed up.

"Hi," he said in a lame voice, because Lucario fucking sucks.

"The fuck have you been?" said Gardevoir, coughing up blood.

"I had to go be a mormon in California for awhile. They needed someone to vote against gay marriage again, but since I'm a native to Forks and am also a vampire, I couldn't vote."

"How fucking slow are you?" said Gardevoir. "Seriously, that was so fucking 2008 of you. I can't. I cannot right now. You dirty fucker. Gay marriage has been legal in all of Unova for years now. YEARS, DUMBASS. Haven't you seen the president's excommunicated son in the news? He's fucking some twink named Hilbert! Pay attention, asshole."

"I have an image to uphold," said Lucario. "Being opposed to gay marriage is lame, and so is Lucario, so it made sense to me..."

"You know what makes sense to me?" says Gardevoir. "GIVING ME A FUCKING MAX POTION SO I STOP BLEEDING TO DEATH, YOU ANAL STAIN."

"Oh my god, bitch. Chillax. I was getting to that." Lucario healed his GF, and they walked off into the sunset together. They were gonna get married. So romantic. Just like Romeo and Juliet. Just like Pride and Prejudice.

Meanwhile, Jacob and Tyler agreed to never speak of what happened that day, and Amy Lee squee'd over how cool her Onii-chan was, even though he was freshly neutered. It didn't matter, because Mimikyu was loved.

End Book 2 Part 2

Is Lucario and Gardevoir love survive tumultuous chagrin? Does Lycanjacob a Nice Guy, or will he assept that he just a third wheel? Will Amy Lee Wake Me Up Inside? Are Tyler the Muk still a virginal fuckboy? Find out in the next exciting chapter, Eclipse!


	4. Eclipse

Do I Dazzle You? by Dickfart

Gardevoir and Lucario went to Italy and sparkled in the sun. Meanwhile, Lycanroc spent hours licking the empty spot where his balls used to be at the foot of their bed.

"Should we have a pitty threesome with him?" ask Gardevoir.

"Nah, I'm not a gay," says Lucario.

"Tch, whatever," says Gardevoir. "Then let's me n you fuck. Who cares if we're not in the same egg group?"

"Nu," says Lucario.

"Butt why?" Gardevoir chagrined.

"Because we not marry yet, bitch. Duh."

"O."

Cue Seinfeld theme.

End Book 3

BREAKING DAWN IS NEXT! WHO READY FOR TEH SMUT? :D


	5. Breaking Dawn, Part 1

Do I Dazzle You? by Dickfart

"OK, now we marry," said Lucario, upon returning from his and Gardevoir's wedding.

"Cool," said Gardevoir. "Let's fuck."

"I hate myself and I want to die," said Lucario. That exact phrase made Gardevoir's clitoris all a'flutter. They were teenagers. Wanting to die was edgy and deep to them, so they fucked. Lycanroc was still at the foot of their bed licking his non-balls while they did the do.

"Oh Lucario. You wake me up inside, wake me up inside."

"Call my name and save me from the dark, bitch," said Lucario. Then they both came and fell asleep on each other.

His human-like sperms found her amorphous eggs, but they were incompatible. Fortunately, because Lucario is also a vampire, his vampire sperms were able to override the rules, thus impregnating Gardevoir. It was at that exact moment where Lycanjacob's brother, Shaggy the Arcanine, walked into the room.

"Like zoinks, Scoob. Bella's pregnant. I can smell it."

"Ruh roh, Raggy," said Jacob.

to bee continues


	6. Breaking Dawn, Part 2

Do I Dazzle You? by Dickfart

"Push!" said Lucario, holding Bella's hand as tightly as he could.

"I am pushng!" said Gardevoir, her life force gradually slipping away.

Jacob stopped tending to his non-balls for one moment and told Edward, "You have to give her a C-section with your teeth, bruh. It's the only way!"

"But she'll turn into a vampire and it'll bee all my fault," said Lucario.

"Bee-lieve in true love, Edward. I did, and I have the most successful movie of all time," said guest star Barry Benson of the Bee Movie.

"OK, here it goes."

Lucario unhinged his doggy jaws in a snake-like fashion and dove underneath Gardevoir's flesh skirt, chewing her stomach open, blood and chunks flying everywhere. He pulled a small Ralts out of her bleeding gut hole and spit it out onto the floor.

"Consider that an abortion!" said Lucario. What a tweest!

"No, let's raise it," said Gardevoir. "It's the Mormon way."

"I'm not Mormon anymore. I joined Smash. Later, bitch!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And just like that, Lucario was gone forever.

"I guess he really was lame," said Gardevoir with a sigh. "Now I'm a vampire for nothing and a single mom! I don't even WANT to be a mom!"

"I can take this little buggar to the Kanada region," said Lycanjacob. "It won't have a home, or any parents, and it'll probably die before long, but at least it'll be out of the fascist Unovan regime. What do you say?"

With a mighty shriek, Gardevoir the Bella bared her vampire fangs and killed everyone in Fucks, Washington, except for Tyler the Muk, who would spend the remainder of his days at Professor Oak's lab being unloved by Ass Ketchup. Lycanjacob and Ralts barely got away.

Two years later.

"Why are you such a Debby Downer, Poutine?" Ava Tremblay asked the Ralts of Bella and Edward.

"Because I'm an abomination and my parents abandoned me," said Poutine, a single tear dripping down its face. "And my pain won't end with this fic because now I'm part of the A Story Aboot Pokemon universe."

"Get over it," said Ava. "At least I didn't name you Renesme."

All was well.

The End


End file.
